Pencils down, everyone! Here be the answers to yesterday's test
. (Answers are in bold
The following quiz uses multiple-choice, fill-in-the-blank, true or false, and such. No curves. No calculators allowed.
1. Amelia Sedly : Becky Sharp ::
a) Fanny Price : Mary Crawford
b) Melanie : Scarlett
c) Jane Bennett : the Bingley sisters
d) delicate flower : steel-toed boots e) all of the above
(see “d” for explanation)
f) none of the above
g) Matthew 3:16 : John 5:21a
2. Which Star Wars character would most likely open the rift in Cardiff, Wales based on the sketchiest of information and thus bring about the end of days?
d) Emperor Palpatine
e) Anakin f) Who are you kidding, of course it’s Anakin! Kid’s not happy unless he causes 5 apocalypses before breakfast.
3. Which comic-strip story arc of the past ten years was the most effective at being emotionally devastating without descending into maudlin cheesiness? a) Sluggy Freelance’s “That Which Redeems, Part II”
b) Funky Winkerbean, when they finally killed off the teacher’s wife from breast cancer in summer 2007 and then picked up 10 years later with him as an oldish fart and their daughter as an annoying teenager
c) Most of For Better or For Worse d) Sluggy Freelance’s “Wyang Kulit”
4. Fill in the blanks: When Groundskeeper Willie taught French class because the teachers went on strike, he greeted his students by saying, “Bonjour! You cheese
-wearin’ surrender monkey
5. Are you in over your head?
a) hell yes
b) well, [s]he’s on my mind so what do you expect?
c) I wish I could just disengage d) Goddammnit, I hate the bleepin’ Fray. Their songs get one play on Grey’s Anatomy and suddenly, they’re bigger than New Kids on the Block.
e) where’s that manual for how to save a life?
6. True or false: Although you immensely enjoy the comics of XKCD.com, the more esoteric math, science, and physics references go straight over your head and onto Mars. TRUE
7. It’s a Torchwood/Star Wars crossover! Now, who’s going to hook up with who? a) Obi-Wan with Gwen and Toshiko-- but only in a misguided attempt to impress Padme
b) Leia with Owen, Jack and Ianto-- but only to make Han jealous
c) Anakin with Jack-- because he couldn’t kill Jack for flirting with Padme (since Jack can’t die and whatnot) so this is the only way Padme will let him back into the house
d) Luke with Lisa and Suzie, before they get too boring for him
e) C-3PO with a wayward Dalek who thought it was on the set of Dr. Who
8. Vanity Fair and Moby Dick
a) are both paragons of fine literature
b) both shine unflinching lights on their respective societies
c) were first published serially in newspapers over a period of a few years d) could have benefitted from some English 101 copywriting, for bleep’s sake
9. Does everyone have a drug dealer on speed-dial?
c) Only when it’s not Lent d) Please turn off the Nickelback already, for God’s sake
10. Does Kate even know which Bible passage she’s referencing when she wrote “Matthew 3:16” in question 1?
a) Of course not
b) Of course! She has 4 Bibles
c) Well, she did do pretty well in 10th grade Theology which focused specifically on the Bible
d) Wait, isn’t Kate Catholic? How does she even know what a Bible is? e) I didn’t know the Kassiest religion had Bibles. Do I get that with my weekly dues?
11. Kate’s local parish is NOT participating in the diocesan-wide “Confession every Wednesday during Lent” because: a) the local parish always has to be different
b) the catch-all “renovation” excuse
c) the diocese is annoyed with the parish again (over something the parish did) so they purposely left out our invitation
d) the local parish doesn’t have enough priests e) the parishioners don’t want to even be reminded that something like Confession exists so they hounded the pastor into not participating because the paster doesn’t know when to say, “Look! This is what we’re doing and you all just can shut up and deal with it!”
f) this would actually inconvenience Kate and the local parish loves to mess with her
12. Mansfield Park : Vanity Fair ::
a) Red Badge of Courage : anything written by Henry James
b) One for Sorrow, Two for Joy : Go Down, Moses
c) Lady Oracle : a Jhumpa Lahiri novel d) eating glass : watching a Billy Budd adaptation
13. True of False: Even out of context, the Torchwood Babiez
LiveJournal is the cutest damn thing ever. TRUE
14. True or False: Although John Barrowman’s version of “Your Song” is slightly better than Ewan McGregor’s from Moulin Rouge, they’re both preferable to the Elton John or Rod Stewart versions. TRUE
15. True or False: Kate is writing this quiz while listening to iTunes. TRUE
16. True or False: Moore “safety” fountain pens were not inked when they left the factory. FALSE: Moore safety pens were filled with ink before leaving factories in the early 1900s. Therefore, if a dealer tries to sell you a “never-inked Moore fountain pen” he is blowing smoke up your ass
17. Kate is going to fail her first essay for the “British Empire and the 19th Century Novel” class because: a) she’s writing this quiz
b) her observations are bland and uninspiring
c) she keeps misspelling the professor’s name
d) the novels she could choose from thus far (Vanity Fair, Jane Eyre, Mansfield Park) focus more on societal differences, gender issues, and sexual politics more than they do on British imperalism so you’re just adding water to an already-thin gruel and Kate hasn’t successfully BS’d her way through a college paper since EN 102: Thoughts and Expressions II in 2002, so she’s a bit off her game
e) and it’s not like it was hard to successfully BS your way through an EN 102 paper at Arcadia “University” if Hemmeter was your professor. I mean, talk about shooting lame fish in a bowl-sized barrel with a bazooka
18. True or False: If Arcadia wants that damn brick paid off, then when they send Kate a “pledge reminder card” they should include what she’s previously paid and not just list the overall amount and the most recent check. This makes Kate second-guess how much she’s paid them until she checks a calculator and realizes that they’re just f***tards who don’t know how to properly display giving histories. TRUE
19. Leslie Marmon Silko is a terrible writer. TRUE
20. I know that wasn’t true-or-false or multiple choice. I was just stating a fact because I recently found Yellow Woman in my bookcase, not realizing that I’d never sent it back to Hell where it belongs. STILL TRUE
21. Aradia’s required Justice and Pluralism classes are: a) grossly unnecessary
b) pretty damn patronizing and insulting
c) a goddamn pain in my ass, 6 years after the fact d) a bigger timesuck than The Forgotten
e) harder to get rid of than Ruby and Bela on Supernatural
22. True or false: Ianto Jones is at his sexiest when he’s all angry and stuff. FALSE: According to Neree, Ianto Jones on Torchwood (the office tea-boy) is at his sexiest when he’s breathing.
23. Short answer: Torchwood’s writers can’t seem to decide if they want Jack to hook up with Gwen or Ianto permanently. Should they just throw up their hands and have a Jack/Gwen/Ianto/Rhys relationship? Answer why or why not in 6-10 sentences. They might as well because it’s the BBC and sci-fi so who the hell cares, and then the writers can concentrate on finding a stable, sane love interest for Toshiko because my God does that girl get dumped on by everyone in the Torchwood universe. Bloody Torchwood.